id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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