I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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