There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
