Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
