your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
