my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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