He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
