1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
