Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
