As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
