Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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