for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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