Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
