Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize