My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
