i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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