How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
