we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
