My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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