i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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