Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
