if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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