just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
