Got a toothbrush?
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
