I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
