I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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