I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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Just high enough for therapy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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