i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
