shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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