I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
