thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
