I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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