You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
