I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
