STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
