yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
