omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
