I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...