Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?