Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
