you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
