i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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