I wish I could punch you in the face.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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