youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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