rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
