Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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