Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
