I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
