3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
