I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
