If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
