He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
