I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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