Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
