The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
