am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize