Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
