where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
