Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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