hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
