There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Everclear isn't food dammit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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