just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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