People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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